av og til er kultur en måte å fordele lidelse ujevnt over en befolkning
6.18
vi deler en croissant mens vi beveger oss oppover den slake bakken som føles så mye brattere når man sykler. det er verken plass til ord i pusten eller i munnen blant all den myke smørete croissant-deigen som du forestiller deg at kunne smeltet på tungen dersom du hadde tålmodigheten. på toppen av bakken har du fått tenkt og kjent etter og du er flau over hvor lite hårsår du har vært med alle spørsmålene dine, alle detaljene du har spurt om, men det er jo fordi spørsmålene alltid har ligget der. og jeg svarer jo at det er fordi situasjonene alltid har ligget der, det er bare ingen som har tatt tak i de og bestemt seg for at de hadde hatt godt av å snakkes om - minst av alle meg selv. jeg har fortsatt i mønsteret av å gi definisjonsmakten til de som tar den, de som vil passe på å ha tatt den før noen andre rekker å prøver seg. det er kanskje også derfor dette ikke gjør så vondt å snakke om nå som du skulle trodd, som jeg ser på deg at du tror. denne historien har aldri tilhørt meg, jeg prøver ikke å vinne den tilbake, men jeg prøver å ordlegge den for å forklare hvorfor jeg aldri tok den til meg, ikke ønsket noe med den å gjøre.
7.18
å forveksle en lyd med en helt annen lyd
først er det er vindkast gjennom tynne tørre blader i trærne så er det strømmen som kribler gjennom jernbanen før toget kommer kjørende så er det feiebilen mot lys grå asfalt som børster børstene sine foran seg og sakte forbi vinduet mitt
6.18
somebody just stole the bench
i had in mind
so now im gonna find myself another one
locked my bike and got myself a bottle of the cheapest sparkling water i could find
in a second
crossing my legs on the bench as i feel the need to pee
the sweat or the sunscreen oil from one leg melting into the other
i remember putting it on a month ago and thinking it smelled like a really distinct summer memory
but now its been so hot for a month
my legs have smelled the same every day
now the smell is more like a memory of general
biking downhill not because i need to but because of the air
adjusting patterns regarding to air and temperature
swimming through that cold stream again and again until its ok to get out of the water
it hasnt been summer like this in oslo since for ever, im sure
im glad i can wake up early and spend some time on the balcony below twenty before starting my day
dipping into reality
reality these days is how unreal it feels that my exam suddenly is over and i have read so much in all sorts of places, gardens, grass
reality these days is meeting and talking and not knowing what it is and means but i care so much about him
reality these days is being tan all of a sudden
getting frozen peas in the supermarked late evenings
writing post-its
leaving the coffee cup on my naked hip as i lay in bed neither able to sleep nor to do anything else
a xmas carol pt 14
going through my bathroom stuff while brushing our teeth
sounds instead of words have become a normal
in two days
as with traveling
normals come and go easily
tube of toothpaste that looks like self tan
tube of makeup now smudged over arms
like palettes
we share skin
and brushing goes slowly
hard to do too many things at once
spitting to the reflection of each others
company in the mirror
remains of breakfast in the sink
nothing beats the color of blueberries in the toothpaste
almost like watching your own urine after a beetroot feast
shades ive forgotten i owned
how to use
box fresh scents
i never found the occasion for
my life turned out differently
and now im exposing it to you
the smelling of tops
one bottle after another
watching your nose in my mirror
moving across landscapes of scent
if you find anything you like
have it
living by myself now
means new perfumes
without the heart
to throw out the old ones
i like the idea of passing on a bottle
like sharing a bottle at a party
memories
preserved in alcohol
a xmas carol pt 12
you seemed so tired so i put you to sleep
tucked you in
two blankets
three dogs
you said
so i did
but the dogs came running down shortly after
wanted some attention
so did you
you didnt say much
your few words were very sleepy
your eyes
your hair
your yawny movements of mixing us these drinks
lemon slice on the edge
salt and sugar
we had already started talking about going to bed
but we couldnt refuse
staying awake for your sake
as you stayed awake for ours
a xmas carol pt 11
luggage full of cookies
halva in the kitchen
w whispering italian on the phone
at least he looks italian
meanwhile i relax on your mattress
i can feel the blood disappearing from my hands
as i hold them
in the air
as i text you so
a xmas carol pt 10
i cant wait to see you again
you can tell me more about w
the other guests
i wish i could see photos
i am so curious!
it is so interesting to talk to you
seeing myself through the eyes of others
i always just watch myself through the eyes of my dogs
they stare a lot
but you talk about them differently
of course i do
they are my dogs
while these people are old friends
and a life that feels very long ago
at least it makes me feel very old
you are not
i watch your face
social security number
you have just inhabited
a few years
of fears
and they got visitors
i can imagine your dinner table
round or square by the way
oval
surrounded by people
filled with plates
food
stuff
stuffed tummies
leaning back rumbling
surrounded by golden skies gardens fields
the sound of music
i dont even know if my imagination correlate with your actual house
i mean life
how can i
be a therapist
sometimes a little bit like reading a book
building imaginary worlds
based on detailed verbal descriptions
i choose
to treat as metaphors
what do i know
six years of education
some months
of your face in my office
xmas carol pt 9
sometimes i think i talk
beyond myself
to reach out to you
construct all of these
what is it
freudian slips
that makes the conversation more elegant
take turns i cant control
you are not communicating
really
just fooling around
making fun of my profession
maybe that is a sign
maybe you should take it as a sign
you were the one talking of slipping around
soapy slippery floor
of freudian what
poetry
i guess it is
our time is running out baby
haha what
yeah ehh
so awkward
haha yes
time to go
i think
you will see me watch
you turning the key
in the car engine
with a smile today
yes i can imagine
i can often sit here and watch you
you spend some time
parking lot
texting
smiling
crying
i see the sky change in your face
slowly moving out of sight
if it is a day of indecisive weather
like you pick it up and sort it out
is it a rainy day worth crying about
is it a rainy day worth smiling about
i think you read into things much more than i do
well i guess that is my job
seriously
i am losing faith
in me or in what
i dont know i just know i will drive home
the weather in my eyes
coming home to the scent of a different soap
makes me see myself through the eyes of the outside
at least i can pretend
to walk around
as my life was all new to me
now i will instead come home to my home
as lived through my guests
hoping they have helped themselves
coffee breakfast
i hope so as well
i kind of want to park up quietly
i want to be able to sit and watch them
through the window
a home filled with my absence
you have a tesla
yes
they park up quietly
but they are still a catch of eye
park behind some bushes
few bushes to park behind
anyway
in the reflection of the window
a shiny skin
a sad eye
the nature evolving in the background
shades of green
leaning over the foggy water
like a photo
you would take
but its already gone
and i didnt really notice
what was i thinking
putting so much oil on my face this morning
well it was starting to smell old
so i figured it would be better
if i finished it quickly
a xmas carol pt 8
but w
yes
we have met once before
but
but
but i still didnt knew
his voice
sounded like
surprises
every time he opened his mouth
the words
coming out not written
in a voice i found difficult
getting to know
over again every time he spoke
so i forgot the words
accompanying the unexpected melody
of talking
so when did you meet
i mean
i dont really remember how he appeared
but waiting for our luggage at the airport
is a situation i only can see through his eyes
because i looked away
on my phone
so we didnt talk for a long time
on the airport
no not on the airport
but you know it was him
yes of course or else it wouldnt be so
uhh
difficult
looking up
i see
i can only visualize his gaze in the back of my head
approaching the city
soundlessly
you can actually fall asleep on that commute train
it is so quiet
holding your breath
out of excitement or something
diving into the city
is more quiet
after coming home from a trip
the air inside your home has been standing still the whole time
like you need to be physically present moving things around
the air
waiting for your arrival
and life starts circulating again
and airports
somewhere in between realities
just rolling along
always loved that
right me too
like you cant affect someone elses
world
nor they yours
it is definition of not belonging
yet
like
everyones luggage
circulating on that uhh
baggage claim is that it
i think so
signs in between gates
i didnt look back at him
because
well
i knew i would get eye contact and
well
maybe it was too much for me
that move towards
an intimacy already established
like
how do you do that
shake hands
like
ehh
no
and now he tucks me in and it feels good
i guess
in the end
maybe it was about timing
where had you been
you mean like at the airport
i noticed him when waiting for my luggage
suitcases moving in circles
in the corner of my eye or more like in the back of my head
because i can still just remember the awareness of knowing very well that i was being looked at but didnt dare to turn around
and now so many years later
i feel old if i start counting
he wraps me up in clean sheets
soon spilled all over
takes me days to change them
wasnt this tonight
yes but i know myself very well by now
i will be too busy keeping an eye on myself
i will forget the laundry overall
but you always leave the subject
when i ask you questions
your mind is filled with freudian slips
slipping around
soapy floor
forgot to clean up
forgot to mess up the cleanness
to challenge the structures
what are you talking about
you never told me about w
you never told me about anything but his eyes in the back of your head
as it was a hairdo
accompanying your bags your shoes your home your life
why were you on the same flight for instance
i dont know i was on my way home
from where
let me finish my sentences
our time is running out
so what do you want me to say then
uhh just answer me
then let me answer
so answer then
i dont even know if we were on the same flight
i had just returned from venice
beaches ive heard
nah not much
a lot of art i can tell you
dragging my legs behind me in the end
boring
no just
i dont know
hundred thousand beautiful buildings become a duty
in the end
mimosas on piazzas
hah yes
i know how the feeling
have you been
no wait you cant have been
beaches in venice
only
marathons under water
wet sneakers in the streets
in a moment of some climate
venice beach
not the same
haha wow of course not
what was i thinking
i guess i am used to the more
uhh norwegian pronunciation
or whatever
italian
venezia
we can say venezia
to clear things up a little
make communication a little easier
not easy at all
not at all easy
haha no
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